The first trimester

It was HORRIBLE. The shock of losing control over my body, the nausea, the vomitting, the cold sweats.

Having exams was another thing. I was constantly tired, I kept drifting in and out of sleep, could not focus at all. Commuting becomes so difficult, when I finally made it home on the first day, I feel so proud of myself I teared. The second time I almost gave up on taking exam, as by the time I reach school, I thought I was going to pass out. I did not do well for the papers but I'm glad I pass, cannot imagine a retest.

Performing daily activities becomes tough, my most dreaded being teeth-brushing. It is super puke-inducing and it drains all my energy. Had to keep myself distracted everytime so I won't concentrate too much on puking. Now I think I can memorize all the ingredients of facial washes, toothpaste and whatever was at the sink.

Everytime I take a shower, I feel like I ran 10km. So I shower and wash my face every 2-3 days. For someone who used to slap 10 skincare products twice a day, the frequency says alot.

It was the festive season. I had to cancel my birthday celebrations and xmas exchanges with friends. I tried going out, but after 1-2hrs, I find myself desperately wanting to go home. Being cooped up at home surely brings about some depression too.

Conclusion: I came out of my first trimester appreciating good health more. I think I can relate a bit better to people who are ill. Not knowing where is the end of suffering, and nothing you do helps with the condition. Although I just return to my pre-pregnancy appetite, I feel so grateful to be normal again.

The hubby

The man don't get it, true story.

I became very reliant on him, besides buying dinner for me everyday, I sometimes ask him to run errands like buying milk and nuts. Maybe it happened too often, maybe I always complained he bought the wrong things, he got frustrated with me. I understand why he feels this way, because in the past, if someone was pregnant and acted the way I did, I will think the same way too.

Then he told me, "you used to travel the globe by yourself and come back in one piece, why are you like that now?" Exactly! That's why I am more frustrated with myself than you are with me! I cannot accept myself for being so weak! But then again, from a man's point of view, he wasn't wrong in thinking that way, I have indeed changed, just because I'm pregnant.

However! One thing I cannot stand - comparison. He did not say it once or twice, but many many times! "Why other people pregnant, you also pregnant, but other people can, you cannot?"

1. Its not like I can choose right? I also wish I didn't have all those symptoms like some lucky women out there, and I am already suay enough to get a rough ride.

2. Even if other people out there do have a tough time, you wouldn't know! You just assume everyone has a smooth pregnancy.

3. I grow up being compared to. "Why other children so obedient and you are not?", "Why XX gets 100 marks for exams and you cannot?" Comparison just stings me ok! I hate it so much and I don't think I ever compared you with others, but why are you always comparing me?

This is not the first time I experience this with you. Remember you think I did something wrong? And instead of telling me straight, you said "What you did was just like XX (someone I really dislike)". I could have done something wrong, but once you start comparing, I will think you are wrong. But you insist I did not want to admit my mistake, which is not true. I thought from then onwards, you will not compare me again, but you still did.

I hope this man won't do the same to our kid. Comparison sucks.

The friends

I probably only told 3 other persons about my pregnancy other than Vincent. No I did not even tell my mother - I will elaborate this further later.

Hanxiang- I'm glad I spoke to someone like her. Only mummies who experienced shit will understand. At times like this, a good girlfriend is so much more comforting than.. You know.. The husband.

Apple- Always ready to answer my queries, so encouraging, and thanks for keeping my pregnancy a secret, must be hard for you hahahaha. The milk powder she recommended is yummy!!

Kaiwen- We bumped into each other last december and the moment she saw me she went "Eh are you pregnant?" What a stunner lah this woman. We haven't met for the longest time and I don't remember when we last conversed. Nonetheless I am super duper touched, it shows that she had been paying attention to me, and not everyone can pick up things like that, you need to know me well first.

This make me realise I've made great friends!! So blessed :)

The mother

Sadly, my mother feels more like a mother-in-law. Nothing against my mother-in-law here, she's really chill about it and I super appreciate that.

Anyway, back to my mum. When ladies find out they are pregnant, the first person they wanna talk to will be their mum. Not for me, I never intend to tell her about my pregnancy, don't ask me why, I can't explain. Maybe we don't have that kind of relationship. Or maybe I don't want any overreacting. Something in me just don't want her to know.

Eventually she knew. I don't feel the saying "you become closer to your mum after you are pregnant". I wanna run away from her!

Now let me explain the mother-in-law syndrome. It is said that when one is pregnant, her mum will care for her, while the mother-in-law cares for the baby. When visiting at the hospital after child birth, the mum looks for her daughter and the mother-in-law looks for the grandchild. Get it, right?

Ok, besides the constant nagging which I cannot stand for 31 years, one day she started scolding me for skipping breakfast. Reason being, if I don't eat, my baby don't eat. Hello, for 31 years you didn't care if I eat breakfast, now you are worried about your grandchild going hungry, thank you very much.

My mum kept asking me how many months I am into my pregnancy, because I shouldn't be feeling nauseous and tired already. Yes, I bring over the morning sickness into my 2nd trimester. The way she asked me, she doesn't really care that I feel unwell, she just WANTS to know how many months pregnant I was. Even previously when I complained about feeling terrible, she just brushed it off my saying thats a norm. Suddenly she bugs me about how many months. I did not tell her. I just said I dunno. Its my instinct/ refex that I reacted that way (like when you sense something amiss and you need self defence).

If I told her I'm already in my 2nd trimester, she is going to brag to the world about me getting pregnant, like a mother-in-law. Parents wish for their daughter-in-laws to conceive despite knowing its tough, but feel for their daughters having to go through pregnancy, not my mum.

Even till today, I did not tell her how long into pregnancy I am. But I guess she figured it out herself. During CNY, all the relatives whom I didn't talk to for the past year started congratulating me. Can you imagine how absurd I feel? I'm not even showing yet and I dunno why people are congratulating me. Mummy, can you have some respect for me? Maybe I do not want people to know? Or maybe I think I should be the one breaking the news?

The saddest thing? I was mostly on mc throughout January, I probably went to school once or twice, but even so, my classmates noticed I was feeling down. They said I'm not the usual happy me anymore, and started showing their concern. I cannot imagine, you knew me for 31 years and you never asked how I was feeling (I was obviously depressed because even people who don't know me well and saw me a few hours can tell). You were only concern about baby going hungry, and obssessed with the number of months I'm pregnant.

This episode with my mum, or rather my relationship with my mum my whole life just makes me feel like crap. Especially now that I'm going to be a mother myself. I envy people who are close with their mums. I just can't. I feel sorry for my mum, for having a daughter who wouldn't share anything with her. There's nothing I can do now our relationship turned out this way. Maybe, just maybe, if you had taken my side once when I still shared things with you, we would not be like this.
Because of my mum, I have a daughter phobia. All my friends know I prefer having boys. Truthfully, its not because I really prefer boys. In fact, my relationship with my mum traumatise me so much I am scared of having a daughter.

Most of my friends cannot understand, because they have great relationship with their mums, and they prefer daughters. Like how you need your parents to be happily married to walk into marriage with confidence, the same goes to child bearing.

Fortunately, Hanxiang's daughter Yi Jing had been such a darling. She is a game changer. Plus having been through a scare of losing my baby along the way, gender doesn't matter anymore, I will embrace a baby girl as much as I will embrace a baby boy. Just be healthy, ok?

The father

To all the daughters in the world, daddy is always the best! Although my papa still cares for me in the wrong way, I can feel that he just cares about me, not my baby, not my to-be-proud-of pregnancy, just me.
So is my godpa.

Thankful for the fathers!

The cousins

I'm glad that at my age, there are still people who can play with me till we order macdonald breakfast. Not everyone has awesome cousins like me. Most importantly, they treat me like a normal human being after they knew I'm pregnant. Yes, when everyone else treats you like a fragile little kitten, tells you what you should do and what you shouldn't for days, being normal is all that you want.

Final thoughts

1. It is so nice to just be normal.
2. Pregnancy is a little test to marriage, we are all good now, because I'm normal again.
3. Pregnancy surely makes you rethink your relationship with your parents.
4. I appreciate good health and people that matters more.
5. I wish for my baby to be happy, strong and healthy.