i did some spring cleaning and these are some memories i've found.. things tt r important to me.. things i refused to throw away no matter how frustrated my mum is with me..
1) a voice recorder: he gave it to me the day before he went ns.. he asked me to listen to it whenever i miss him n whenever he had got no time to talk to me.. it had accompanied me thru many nights.. basically its all e "rem to do ur tutorials", "goodnight", "i love you", "i'll b there no matter wat", "be strong n dun give up", "take good care of wish bear" n some mushy stuffs.. not forgetting e classic "dun mix ard wif shufen too much".. hahaha.. simi dai ji?? i tink he was tryin to b funny, so sf dun b offended.. haha..
2)lots n lots of letters, cards, postcards, paper aeroplanes: fyi we started off our relationship in written form.. he wrote me a letter to me after being dared by leslie tan, my all-time matchmaker.. he declared his "love" for me in tt letter.. i read thru n underlined 3 alphabets "y.e.s." n passed e paper back to him n he got e idea! our favourite activity in class was to fly paper aeroplane to each other when e teacher wasnt facing e class.. c who's skill is better.. usuallie it wil start of wif something like "todae i pretty anot?" den he wil reply wif something funny.. being e 2 jokers of e class.. not many ppl suspect we were an item.. coz if ppl knew abt our r/s, e aeroplane flying can b irritating.. subsequently alot of things we prefer to pen it down in written form coz we dunno how to say it out.. sadly, i ended it in a letter too.. i still rem.. its my favourite mickey mouse letter pad..
3)a white-gold necklace: a once-must-have accessory.. i wore it 24/7.. something i'll hold on to whenever i feel nervous/scared/lost.. it has a magical calmin effect on me.. i dun feel secured if i dun wear it.. hey im not bullshitting.. its something so spiritual i cannot explain.. but its amazing..
4)my first present from him: a soft toy keychain.. its had turned frm pure white to grey.. haha.. i used to hang it on my sch bag.. i like it alot alot..
5)my last gift frm him: a keychain too, from korea.. he went to korea after we broke up.. n e keychain was a souveneir.. when i went to meet him, i went wif a heavy heart.. it seems like we ended e way we started.. mayb i tink too much.. haha..
6)an organiser: wif important dates indicating "someone's bdae" n "bintan trip" n "KL trip" n "our 4th anniversary" etc
7)2 bouquets of dried flowers: used to hang them on my ceiling but due to protests frm e previous bf.. i put them away in a box..
8)my 19th bdae present, a watch: e one he kept in e safebox of mandarin hotel.. he set e password to b my birthdate! tt day we were at orchard havin my bdae dinner.. i din noe abt e whole plan.. was still blamin him abt meetin me onli at dinnertime.. in e end he blindfolded me.. yes on orchard road.. n brought me to a place i did not know.. when i opened my eyes.. i saw lota candlelights n a birthday cake rite in front of me.. of coz e birthday song.. he went to e room to prepare everything beforehand.. n tt's y he cannot meet me in e day.. omg i was super duper touched!
9)an empty fish bowl: he loves fishes.. he was e one who introduced me fish-rearing knowledge.. unfortunately i dun possess e necessary skills.. my favourite type of fish, tiger barbs.. died in a week.. aft tt i dun wanna keep any fishes le.. yup my blog address is oso inspired by fishes.. *wonders if he's still keepin archerfishes*
10)photographs: we went to e zoo! i live e pic of e sealion kising my cheek.. =) then there's this pic of him n his sisters.. taken many yrs ago.. he gave to to me one day in class n said its for me to keep.. coz im his gf! haha.. xin ji hen zhong.. i tink in return i gave him a pic of me in indian costume cos he's a racist!
i tink i've developed a type of illness.. i prefer to live in e past, coz memories juz feel safer somehow.. like history, memories cannot b changed.. on e other hand, e future is too unpredictable.. in a world where change is the only constant.. i dare not move on from e comfort zone..
u know, if i keep comparing every man wif him, i can nv find someone better.. coz how can a real-time person beat someone in memories, where everything is so perfect due to something called "selective-reminiscences"?
i nv tot of gettin back tog wif him anymore.. all i wanted frm e very begining was for us to be frenz.. i tink tt's e onli way to a proper closure.. a closure so tt i can move on.. i agree wif wat rene told me.. he ignored me because he doesnt wanna b confused again.. tis is a gd sign coz i still mean something.. if one day he can treat me as a fren.. i wil feel more devastated.. coz im no longer "something".. dilemma!
i wish i could control my emotions better.. i wanna stop doin stupid things.. i hav such inclination whenever im in an emo state n i couldnt think straight.. n regret doin wat i've done.. no i not in tt state now.. i was referring to half a yr ago..
unknowingly.. i've been unattached for e longest period of time ever since i started dating.. was a bit shocked when xu told me she can c tt im avoiding men.. yes i am.. no i dun shun men.. not tt extreme n i dun c e need, when all i need to do is merely to freak them out! not difficult at all.. juz doing wat i do best.. hahaha.. mayb subconciously e buddy gal image is part of e plan too.. sometimes im so complex im confused by myself..
a fren is getting married, in april.. my goodness.. e tot of being single all my life is back to haunt me.. n e tot of marryin someone i dun like juz for e sake of gettin married.. how sick is tt?
